TGIF

Being a stay-at-home mom can be a real mind f*ck.

Seriously. I will admit that. Let me just start by saying that I am in AWE of working moms. Especially those with multiple children. I don’t know how you do it.

There ARE benefits to some degree for sure… the extra money (if you are married and bringing in a second income) is awesome, and having a reason to get up and head out into the world each day is more valuable than many people likely realize.

I was a single, working mom for almost two years when my oldest daughter was two. It was tough. I was busy. But I had help, so I don’t even like to classify myself as such to be honest. My mom and my ex’s mother were my day care – free of charge – and I had a lovely little house that I adored. Life was pretty good, albeit stressful.

The one thing I loved? Coming home to a clean house! LOL… that was the best! I would drop Taya off in the morning, and when we returned home for dinner at the end of the day, the house was JUST as clean as I’d left it at 8am! That was a beautiful thing.

Being at home with my kids all day is a zoo. I clean – over and over and over again – and the place is always a disaster at the end of the day. I try to estimate what time my husband will be home and I always make one last ditch effort to have him walk in to a tidy, calm home… but no. That’s never going to happen.

My house has never been THIS bad... but it's been close.

My house has never been THIS bad… but it’s been close.

This week has been exceptionally difficult for me. My four year old son has been sick and home from school since Monday. Fever and vomiting that wouldn’t let up for days, and also happens to be the exact same virus he JUST HAD three weeks ago.

Factor in his three year old sister, who is full of energy and hasn’t left the house in four days? It’s a recipe for a really, really tough stretch. I haven’t slept (Cal has been waking constantly while sick, which wakes Ella up, so someone is ALWAYS AWAKE) and my mom, who is always such a huge help, is away. Trust me – I am not crying into my Bailey’s coffee about how awful I have it, it’s just been a bad week.

It’s been almost three years since I was diagnosed with postpartum depression, and while 80% of the time these days I’m feeling great, weeks like this wear on me, and I feel the cloud overhead. The house begins to feel like a coffin. The cold weather doesn’t help, and I begin to feel isolated.

Me & my cloud. Besties.

Me & my cloud. Besties.

It’s not really that bad.. it’s certainly not as bad as it was, but it’s still there. Lurking under the surface. It’s funny… when I first blogged about PPD (you can read it HERE) I described it like this:

“I can SEE my happiness.. it’s just above me, floating there, but I can’t touch it, or taste it, or experience it.  It’s like I’m covered in a film or a layer that I can’t shake off, and it prevents me from tapping into all the joy and laughter that I’ve always known.”

Now that a few years have passed, I am feeling much more like my old self again for the most part. I’d say that I am able to feel my happiness again… I can laugh and love and enjoy life, but the darkness and feeling of desperation is always there, just below the surface. I am acutely aware that on any day, at any moment, it could creep back into my life and make things very, very difficult.

So, weeks like this can be quite hard for me. I remember daily that I am SO lucky to be home with my kids. When they are sick it’s such a blessing that I can just be here and take care of them. I remember having to drop Taya off when she wasn’t well and just wanted mommy – it was heartbreaking. I wouldn’t change things for the world now! But if there’s one thing I hate, it’s moms who pretend that it’s never hard, or exhausting or even a little bit soul-sucking. LOL.

I am so happy that it’s Friday. Cal is definitely turning a corner and is on the mend. My husband will be home and the cloud will lift.

And this helps too… it’s going up to 6 DEGREES ON TUESDAY?!!! lol.. GLORIOUS!! Look at those numbers… only one minus sign. Spring is coming!

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That makes me smile. :) As a side note, I just peeked into the other room to see what my littles were up to, and this is what I found:

kids

Don’t look at the missing trim on the right. I said DON’T LOOK AT IT!


It’s like they’re rewarding me for such a long week. LOL… they have NEVER played this well together for so long before. I could cry.

I hope you have a wonderful weekend – and always remember, if you’re struggling, you’re not alone. Part of the reason I started this blog was to spread that message. It has evolved to include many different things since it began, but my underlying message will never change.

Motherhood is tough, and it can be lonely. Never, ever be ashamed to admit that.
We’re all in this together.
xo Mary Beth

Comments

  1. says

    My husband has been on nights for FOUR WEEKS. That means no car in the afternoons/evenings to go Grandparent-visiting or shopping etc. and frigid temps too cold for toddlers to play outside in. My almost 3 year old has cabin fever – bad. When we take the big kids to school and he gets to come, it’s like he won the lottery. I do have help – my best friend is living with us – but she can’t bathe the kids, or help my son with his homework or put one/both kids to bed like my husband can. Well she could, but of course they want Mommy to do it.
    You’re right. It sometimes feels very isolating. It’s shitty some days but I keep telling myself “This too, shall pass.” and I try to fake it till I make it.
    Good luck Mama. Think of all the suntanning you can do on Tuesday 😉

    • Mary Beth says

      Haha… good for you. There’s always someone out there who has it worse than whatever I’m dealing with – that I know for sure. But, that doesn’t mean we don’t all have tough days or low periods. I hope your hubby is on a new shift soon!! Hang in there..
      MB

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