The word tomorrow is precious to me. It’s so full of promise and hope… a gift dangling just around the corner that I always look forward to discovering… but it isn’t always easy to keep my eyes on the prize, I’m the first to admit.
In a 48 hour span, Robin Willams lost his battle with depression, and I took my final pill for postpartum depression.
It was a cruel coincidence.
Sure, I’m a cryer. I’m a sentimental and emotional person. I know that it bugs some people – or at the very least makes them roll their eyes at me – but it’s just who I am. So when this man who I’ve never met before took his life two days ago, I was bummed. I was sad and I shed more than a few tears. But it went deeper than that.
Something about what happened to him was just enough to remind me that no matter how well things might be going, the demons that live deep inside me are still there. The dark thoughts, the feelings of hopelessness… they never really go away. It scares the crap out of me.
After being diagnosed with postpartum depression two years ago, I decided recently (with my doctor’s supervision) that it was time to wean off my medication and really try to take my life back in an organic way. I’ve been trying to make time for myself, pursue my own interests and remember each day that I am more than just a wife and mother – but it’s difficult. In any case, a few weeks back I started to wean from the meds and while some of the days were pretty brutal, it was more physical than anything else. Head aches, exhaustion and those damn “brain zaps” made for a truly crappy experience, but I pushed through. To be honest, I’m not really sure if I’m ready to go med-free. I don’t really feel like I am, but it’s been two years so I feel like I should, you know?
Next month I will have two kids in school full time and I will be home with just Ella, so it’s got to get easier, right? Easier to manage, clean, cook, shop, fluff & fold? Right? RIGHT?? This is what I tell myself and basically anyone who is listening. I sure have put a lot of pressure on myself for what it will be like… and now the weight of that is stressing me the hell out.
So anyway, I had one pill left when Robin Williams died. And now as of today, it’s just me and my thoughts. My fears, inadequecies and doubts.
If someone like him could entertain the WORLD for decades with his wit, charm and brilliance, but still ache so completely that he couldn’t live another day, what chance do I have of EVER making it through this?!????? Do you know how scary this is to someone who suffers from depression?
It’s almost crippling.
So I’m feeling low, and more than a little scared. I know that there are major world issues happening.. there are wars and injustices and atrocities every single day… and I know that I may come across as vapid and selfish but this stranger dying has really cut me deep – and I don’t think I’m alone in this, either. All over social media I am seeing people stepping forward to share their stories of depression, or to encourage others to be supportive of those who struggle. There are stories just like mine of people who have been shaken by this death and are going through the motions right now as they try to keep their head above water.
Sometimes I feel like the worst mother and homemaker in the world. If I’m cleaning one room the kids are making a mess of another. If I’m cooking and folding laundry then I’m not interacting with them enough, but when I’m playing with them and making sure they’re out having fun, the house isn’t being taken care of. Most days I feel like I can’t win, and try as I might I can’t help but compare myself to those around me who seem like they’ve got it all together. Maybe they really are amazing and I’m some freak of nature who just sucks, but I know that more likely than not I’m just seeing the “Facebook” version of their lives and not the entire picture.
It’s important to remember that, I know. But it’s hard. Some days it’s harder than others – like today. Today, it’s really hard to look around me and think that I’m doing a good job. I know that I try, and I will continue to try, but I just don’t know if it’s ever enough and it’s pretty heartbreaking.
So, if you’re having a tough day too please know you’re not alone.
I’m having one too, and all I can do is try to make tomorrow a great one. It’s really all anyone can do. What I do know, is that tomorrow is important. Tomorrow has to happen. For every horrible no good very bad day, there is a tomorrow. While some days ‘tomorrow’ will come easily, on other days it will be a struggle to get there… but I will always get there.
As a character in one of my favourite movies once said…
“You can always start everything fresh tomorrow. Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it yet.”
I hop you have a wonderful tomorrow.