My kids are sick, and I’m trapped in a small building with lots of little people coughing and sneezing on me. During these times I get very little done, since there’s usually at least one of them draped across my lap refusing to let me move, and the other day I started looking around and wondering why my house doesn’t look that different than it did almost 20 years ago when I lived away at school.
And then I figured out why.
10 REASONS WHY HAVING KIDS IS JUST LIKE HAVING COLLEGE ROOMMATES
1 – You’re living in a pig sty
Why are they soooo messy?? The shoes all over the hall, the coats hung over the backs of chairs, the books left on the table, the dishes left oh, EVERYWHERE. If you live with boys, the toilet seat is never down, there’s pee on the floor, and there are socks right next to the laundry basket, but never in it. If you live with girls, the bathroom counter looks like a Barbie exploded on it and you can’t even see their bedroom floor for all the clothes.
Remind you of anyone else you used to live with??
2 – They just help themselves to your stuff
My EOS lip balm is always in a different spot than where I left it. My snacks always go missing. My magazines have pages ripped out. I catch a glimpse of my favourite jacket pass by in the hall and there’s a whiff of my most expensive perfume in the air. Nothing is sacred. Nothing is mine. Communal living at its
3 – They’re totally inconsiderate
Aw… you’re sick? Yah, they don’t care. Exhausted from being up all night? Nope – don’t care. Need some quiet time to get work done? They. Don’t. Care. They’re loud. They’re obnoxious. They have no consideration and look at you like you’re a baboon if you dare to suggest that they think of others once in a while.
4 – They embarrass you
They tell jokes that make no sense. They wear clothes that don’t match. They sing at the top of their lungs no matter where they are, and they don’t even care if they words are right!! They fart, they belch, and then they laugh at it like it’s the funniest thing to ever happen. I can’t even remember if I’m referring to kids or roommates anymore. The line is just so blurry.
5 – They belong on “Hoarders” & refuse to share
Their rooms are full to the ceilings with all of “THEIR STUFF” that no one else is allowed to touch/look at/breathe near. If something is disturbed, they roam through the house, howling and moaning in search of who dared to cross the threshold of their lair. They hide their favourite foods, even going so far as to deny their very existence. They’re actually great about sharing, but only when it’s something that belongs to someone else.
6 – They’re always hitting you up for cash
Back when I had roommates I often pretended to be broke so as to avoid the awkward, “Do you have any cash on you?” situation. Now? I’m screwed. They know we have money. SOMEONE is paying for this house, the cars, the soccer practices and the iTunes account. There’s no hiding from them, and they will bleed us dry if we let them.
7 – They are always latching on to your friends
Okay. Seriously… When I have my friends over, please don’t glom onto them. They’re MY friends. They don’t want to hear about your high score in Flappy Birds or how big of a poop the dog took outside this morning or what happened on Jake & the Neverland Pirates. They want to talk about REAL issues like what happened on The Bachelor (“Eees okay!”) or who has the better prices, WalMart or Target. Please… and I mean this as kindly as possible… get your own friends.
8 – Majority rules
In a house of more than two people, sometimes it’s the most basic of rules that keep everyone alive. I remember it well, and I’m still living it. They want pizza but I want Thai. They want “Finding Nemo” but I want “Forrest Gump”, They want the zoo and I want the museum. Guess who wins? The parents in this house are outnumbered. They have us cornered and they know it.
9 – They’re always bumming rides
Everywhere I go someone wants to tag along, or be dropped off, or they beg me to bring something back that they need. In a house of five people, being one of only two who have wheels can really suck. Sometimes I sneak out the back door.
10 – It’s a constant clash of tastes
Five people and two TVs does not a happy home make. I don’t wanna watch their crap, and they don’t wanna watch mine. When I DO get a minute to watch one of my shows they either talk over it as loudly as humanly possible or ruin it by asking 9274 questions about the cast/plot/scenery/costumes/art direction/screen play/history of this particular theme in English literature or whatever the hell else they can think of. We obviously hate each others’ music, so there’s usually a cacophony of sounds trying to drown each other out.
It’s hilarious to me how life tends to come full circle. I mean heck, why am I back to sharing a room again? Sure, it’s with my husband… but seriously! Haven’t I earned my own space at the old age of 36? Luckily I like my current roomies a LOT, so I think we will make it work. They’re pretty cute, even when they’re sick… and I would MUCH rather hold back their hair while they vomit, so at least there’s that.