Some days I feel like I have nothing to say at all, and other days it’s like I have so much to talk about I don’t know where to begin – so I just don’t. Lol. Going through PPD is weird… I’m not used to “having” something that doesn’t just clear up in a few days. I feel almost silly talking about it now, like it’s a crutch or an excuse for certain things in my life not being where they should be.
I do feel good most days. I’d say that in recent months I’ve had maybe three occasions where I’ve had that dark, low, desperate, helpless feeling. For the most part, I’m able to talk to my husband when it happens and he understands and does what he can. I think that at this point it’s tied strongly to my lack of sleep and time for myself.
I realized something so depressing the other day… right now I feel like ALL I do is wait for the kids to go to bed at night. Only then do I feel like I can breathe! I ADORE them, and I love my days with them, but at the same time it’s a LONG day when you are at home alone with a 13 month old and a 3 year old. There are only so many places you can go and play dates you can plan… a lot of days it’s just us, at home, trying to stay occupied. On those days, I watch the clock. This is not good. Isn’t this basically just waiting for life to pass me by?? NOT OKAY! How many days in the last year have I just wished would end so that I could relax or clean up or sleep?
I am going to be 36 years old on Friday. THIRTY SIX. Why does that number seem so ridiculously old? I’m actually tearing up as I type it. Not-so-fun fact about 36: That is how old Priness Diana was when she died. Only 36! She seemed so much older to me! Sure I was 20 and everything above that seemed old, but still.
I also share my birth year with the following people:
– Sarah Michelle Gellar
– John Mayer (I’m actually really okay with this one.. lol)
– Brittany Murphy
– Jessica Chastain
– Maggie Gyllenhaal
– Liv Tyler
– Edward Furlong
– James Van der Beek
Yah I did just google that. Some of those people make me feel old, some not so much… but the REAL mind bender is that kid who played Hannah Montana’s brother Jackson – he’s 36 too!
What the heck? That’s just weird.
Anyway, I had no problem with 30. No problem with 35… but 36… no. I don’t like it. I KNOW that raising my kids and taking care of my family and my home is super important, but at the same time I feel like I’m not DOING ANYTHING with my life. The contribution that I am making to society is one that won’t be felt or seen for years and years. Maybe one of my kids will cure cancer, or become Prime Minister, or win a gold medal in the Olympics, but I have a long way to go before I can sit back and reflect on the achievements of my particular job.
I do, of course, see glimmers of success as a parent… every time my kids say “please” or “thank you”, or finish their vegetables or their socks actually make it into the laundry basket, I know I’m doing something right. But being a stay-at-home mom is a tough gig, more so than people often realize. I don’t get an annual review. I don’t have a boss to tell me that I’m doing a great job and I sure as heck don’t get raises! Lol… but I guess the benefits are pretty great, and I have some serious job security!
MUAH HA HA… you can’t fire me, I’m:
I realize that my days at home with little ones will quickly pass, and before I know it, it will be just me in this house (or hopefully a DIFFERENT house!), and while they’re all at school I will miss them. SAHMs are hit with the whole “empty nest” syndrome sooner than others… for me it will happen when I’m 39. That fall, all of my kids will be in full day school, and I will suddenly find myself with all that time I’ve so DESPERATELY longed for. I hope I will know what to do with it! I want to learn to cook (like REALLY learn.. lessons and everything!). There will NEVER, EVER be piles of laundry on the dresser, calling out “Fold me! PLEASE fold me!”… I will shower – every day! – and we will never run out of milk or bread. I am gonna be SO on top of things. It’s gonna be great.
But I know I might feel a little lost, too. That’s why I’m trying to get back to my old self as best I can right now… I don’t want to wait three more years! So far, since I joined Weight Watchers on February 1st, I’ve lost 19 pounds. I am very excited and proud, and halfway to where I want to end up, which is pretty cool. I’m cooking healthier foods, which my entire family benefits from, and I feel so much better. My kids are also getting to an age where I can actually walk away from them for a few minutes here and there to get things done. It’s getting easier to prepare dinner or switch the laundry, and it’s amazing how these little things make me happy!
Look! They’re playing! Together! Quietly! And no one’s crying!
I still can’t believe that I’m going to be THAT old… (don’t wanna say the number anymore), but to fight off the yuckiness of it, I have followed through with my aforementioned plan and I have booked myself a gorgeous room in a gorgeous hotel for Saturday night! Just me, a king size bed and some room service. I. Can. Not. Wait. Literally, I cannot. I’m going to die with anticipation and the number of awesome things I have lined up to do would have you believe that there are 1735 hours in a day… LOL. Shopping! Lunch at my favourite spot! A massage! A movie! A bubble bath! Antiquing! Oh and of course the reason behind it all… SLEEP! Not sure I can fit it all in, but I’m sure as hell gonna try.
The letdown when it’s all over might be the end of me, but I’m not going to think about that right now. I even got myself a little early gift to set the mood:
So, basically I’m taking my birthday by the tail and showing it who’s boss! Not going to let aging get me down, it all just goes by way too fast and I have to enjoy every moment I have. I said a while back in a post that you can’t just wait for happiness to find you; you have to seek it out. I still believe those words, and I think that part of finding my own happiness will be continually searching for what completes and fulfills me, and realizing that the search always evolves, but never ends…
Cheers to the next 36 years!