Oh hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!! LOL… remember me? I’m so sorry.. I’ve been wanting to write for so long, but I’ve just had NOTHING to say! (I guess the meds are working! LOL!) Between Christmas, New Years, and T’s 9th birthday this week the time has just continued to slip away, and before I knew it a month had passed…. OOPS!
So here we are, 2013. That’s so bizarre to me. I remember looking ahead to the 1999 NYE and thinking how futuristic it all was, and now we are so far beyond that. The years between then and now are truly a blur. Someone told me once that as you age, every year goes by faster than the last, and it’s so true! My little Baby E will be ONE next month, and my little man Cal is starting kindergarten next year. I’m baffled at how this has happened.
This is going to be a bad birthday for me this year, I just have a feeling. My husband and I had the following exchange recently, and it pretty much sums up my feelings about my upcoming “milestone”:(Keep in mind, I married a guy two years younger than me…)
Me: “I just don’t know where the time goes! I mean, how I am already 35?!?!?”
Hubby: “Don’t worry, B… you have a few months left – you’re not 35 yet!”
Me: “Um, yes I am… I’ve been 35 for almost a year…”
Hubby: “WHAT? You’re 35? I thought you were TURNING 35… WAIT.. you mean you’re going to be 36?!?!?!?!?!?!? WHAT?!?!?”
Hubby: “WOW! That’s almost 40!!!”
Yah. Almost 40. WHAT THE HELL? I don’t FEEL almost 40! I don’t think I LOOK almost 40! In my mind and heart I’m floating somewhere around 25… am I really not 25 anymore? What happened? Why didn’t anyone tell me? Does this mean I can’t go out dancing or act silly with my girlfriends anymore? It’s funny… I have twin brothers who are 7 years older than me, and I remember when they turned 24 for some reason. I was 17 and I just remember thinking that 24 was SO OLD. lol… Now they will be 43 this year and I’m not sure where the last 20 years have gone!
I ALWAYS see celebrities saying how they’ve never been happier than they are at 40.. how they are finally comfortable in their own skin, loving life, blah blah blaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh… I don’t get that. The only reason I can imagine I will be loving life at 40 is that my kids will finally be a little older, all in school full time and pretty self-sufficient. I know that with older kids comes a whole new set of issues and responsibilities, but at least I won’t be changing diapers or mixing formula at 3am… so, I guess there’s that.
I realized recently that being done with having kids really leaves me no more excuses for, well, pretty much anything. Working on this house, getting into better shape, becoming healthier – and HAPPIER – there’s no reason to not be focusing on this stuff anymore. I’m joining Weight Watchers this week. It’s something I’ve been wanting to do forever, but kept having babies! So even though my little ones are only 2.5 and 11 months, I’m trying to view this new phase of life as “my time”. My world still revolves around them, but I really need to start carving out some time to focus on myself and better the things that need working on. In light of this revelation, I began working on my new year’s resolutions. I spent a few days mulling over this and wasn’t getting anywhere… and then I had a little break though.
I went to an AA meeting last week, and it really opened my eyes. Someone I love is involved in the program and I went to show my support. While there, I watched a man speak who has been sober for five years, and something that he said just resonated with me! He said that he doesn’t really believe in “resolutions”. Anyone can make them, they are just words that you say at the start of the year, and that they become essentially meaningless the minute you say them. He said that he prefers to make DECISIONS. Every time a drink is in front of him, he has to make a decision about whether or not he is going to consume it. I thought that was pretty brilliant. I mean, seriously… everyone wakes up on January 1st and spews forth all the things they are going to do or not do in the coming year… what does all that matter if you don’t live up to your words? I can say I’m going to lose weight, or have more patience, or write more often… but like he said, those are just words. What I need to do is start each day by making decisions – choices that will result in the end goal that I desire.
So, instead of making a bunch of useless resolutions, I’m simply going to try to make really good decisions. The food I eat, how I speak, who I see, how I spend my time. Every time I open the fridge, I have a choice to make and I need to focus on making the right one. Do I sit and watch tv or do I go for a walk? Do I clean the bathroom or spend a few minutes playing on the floor with my kids? Do I read a magazine or take some time to write? I find myself being held more accountable when I’m continually doing these mental check ins throughout the day, and it’s really been working for me.
I guess there ARE some things to be said for “getting on in years”.. lol I think I’m able to take more responsibility now for my own happiness and well being than I have been in the past. I finally realize that I have to MAKE things happen; I can’t just sit back and wait for life to bring good things to me. And to be honest, I enjoy being an adult. Sure I miss sleeping in and having freedom, but I have a different kind of freedom now. I love raising my kids and helping them grow and learn. I love having a home and a family and a husband, it’s exciting and something that I looked forward to my ENTIRE childhood! So even though turning 36 is going to freak me THE HECK OUT, it’s okay. I’m in a good place and on the days that I’m NOT, there’s a quote that always touches my heart and reminds me of how lucky I am…
So cheers to 2013, it’s gonna be whatever you make of it!