Today is D-Day. Or rather, V-Day.
As I write this, my husband is at our local hospital and having a procedure done that NO man wants to endure. That’s right… no more babies in this house.
I have three BEAUTIFUL, sweet, loving children. I have been blessed to experience the joy of having both daughters and a son. I have more than anyone could ever ask for, and I know that there is no way I want to add to our family.
So why have I been on the verge of tears all day?
I can’t let my husband know, as I fear he may grasp at any excuse to back out. I can’t let him see my eyes well up every few minutes when I look at my little baby – who is really not a baby anymore – and ACHE because I know I will never experience such love again. I will never feel the little kicks, or the excitement of sharing the big news! I will never watch my belly grow, or see my little miracle’s heart beat flicker on the black and white screen. I will never feel the beginning signs of labour, or give that one last big push before my life changes, once again, forever. I won’t have tiny, TINY little fingers wrap themselves around mine, or see big beautiful eyes gaze up at me while I nurse. There will be no more amazing baby smell, no more shopping for the smallest sleepers you’ve ever seen. I will always be a mother, but I will never again have a baby.
My heart is absolutely broken. How can it be done? It all happened so fast. I was the girl growing up who couldn’t wait to get married and have kids. I don’t know why, maybe because my parents only had me, and I was then a child of divorce. Maybe I was desperate to live “the dream”. I’m not sure. Whatever the reasons, I admit that I didn’t think much past that point, but here I am. I am done having children, and it is leaving an emptiness inside me that I’m not sure how to fill.
Mommy & Taya
January 14th, 2004:
I was 26 when I had my first, Taya. She was a surprise, but an INCREDIBLE one. My life might not have been quite ready for the addition of a child, but my heart sure was! I welcomed her with more love and joy than you could imagine, and she has given me so much love and joy in return. Because of the stage I was at in my life, I didn’t know if (or when) I would have another baby. It was a question mark for a number of years. When Taya was five I married my husband, Alex. Exactly nine and months and three days after our wedding, I delivered our son Callum. MORE JOY! And a different kind of experience, being married and established and being excited to share the news with family and friends, not nervous or scared as I’d been years before. Alex and I knew we wanted two kids, so again, the door remained open. Shortly after Cal turned one, I was expecting again! We found out we were having a girl, and Ella completed our family this past February. Finally, strangely, the door was then closed.
For the first time in almost a decade, I now knew that I would not be having another baby ever again.
Mommy & Callum
May 4th, 2010:
I cannot explain the bittersweet feelings that accompanied such a realization. There was relief; it’s amazing to know that every milestone we reach now is a FOREVER milestone! When Cal started sleeping through the night, it was wonderful… but we knew we’d be right back at that point soon enough with baby #3. When Ella sleeps through night, that’s it! We have our sleep back!! We can’t wait! There was also a sense of excitement; we look forward to road trips and vacations and movies and dinners out… ones where we don’t have to pack so much that our van is in danger of exploding, and we no longer have to worry about naps or formula or blankies or diapers. Our house will also start to look like a normal house again; the kids are slowly get old enough to play in the rec room on their own, and bit by bit the toys are all moving down there, and I’m getting my living room back! We have started to paint and rearrange furniture. Pretty soon there won’t be a playpen, an exersaucer, a high chair… we will have room, organization and kids that will be able to clean up after themselves!
But there is so much that I will miss. I am trying to soak in every. single. second with Ella. I’ve never feel too frustrated getting up with her in the night or calming her when she cries. I relish the sound of her little voice, the snuggles in the dark and purring kitten noises that she makes as she falls asleep in my arms. In fact, I don’t know how I am going to live without all those things. My husband always talks about how he can’t wait for them to grow up, but I know it’s going to hurt him too (no pun intended). I’ve been slowly starting to sell off our “baby” stuff on Kijiji. The change table is gone, and so is my old single stroller and the glider. Pretty soon I will be listing cribs, bedding, toys… and while I’m so happy to see it all go, at the same time it hurts so much I almost can’t stand it. It’s one thing to know I don’t want any more kids, but I guess it’s something totally different to take action and ensure that it can NEVER happen again. I’ve always had a dream to adopt, and Alex knows that if we ever came into the money that would allow it, I’d want that very much… but this body (and now his) is no longer open for business, and that’s a tough realization to let sink in.
Mommy & Ella
February 24th, 2012:
There is a line from one of my favourite movies, “Father of the Bride”, that Steve Martin says and it brings me to tears every time. I know my kids are still small, and I know I’m not losing them to this big bad world anytime soon, but the point is that the days fly past so quickly. You blink, and you’re here:
“Who presents this woman? This woman? But she’s not a woman. She’s just a kid. And she’s leaving us. I realized at that moment that I was never going to come home again and see Annie at the top of the stairs. Never going to see her again at our breakfast table in her nightgown and socks. I suddenly realized what was happening. Annie was all grown up and was leaving us, and something inside began to hurt.”
As I sit here with my son at my feet and Ella on my lap, I am thinking about how much I have loved having babies in my life, and something inside is beginning to hurt.
Today is a turning point in my family, one that isn’t easy to acknowledge, but one that will bring us into a new phase of our lives. We are complete, and we are ready to move ahead into an exciting future together. New adventures, memories, traditions and celebrations await. So, as we close one door, many more open, and I will keep reminding myself of how lucky we have been to have all that we do. I am one blessed and grateful mama, and the next time someone throws a temper tantrum or poops in the tub, I will be grateful for this day too!
It’s a good time of year to be grateful for all that we have, isn’t it?
He’s home! I had the couch cleared and the Golf channel on… LOL – for now, he’s happy: