Say hello, & wave goodbye…

Today is D-Day. Or rather, V-Day.

As I write this, my husband is at our local hospital and having a procedure done that NO man wants to endure. That’s right… no more babies in this house.

I have three BEAUTIFUL, sweet, loving children. I have been blessed to experience the joy of having both daughters and a son. I have more than anyone could ever ask for, and I know that there is no way I want to add to our family.

So why have I been on the verge of tears all day?

I can’t let my husband know, as I fear he may grasp at any excuse to back out. I can’t let him see my eyes well up every few minutes when I look at my little baby – who is really not a baby anymore – and ACHE because I know I will never experience such love again. I will never feel the little kicks, or the excitement of sharing the big news! I will never watch my belly grow, or see my little miracle’s heart beat flicker on the black and white screen. I will never feel the beginning signs of labour, or give that one last big push before my life changes, once again, forever. I won’t have tiny, TINY little fingers wrap themselves around mine, or see big beautiful eyes gaze up at me while I nurse. There will be no more amazing baby smell, no more shopping for the smallest sleepers you’ve ever seen. I will always be a mother, but I will never again have a baby.

My heart is absolutely broken. How can it be done? It all happened so fast. I was the girl growing up who couldn’t wait to get married and have kids. I don’t know why, maybe because my parents only had me, and I was then a child of divorce. Maybe I was desperate to live “the dream”. I’m not sure. Whatever the reasons, I admit that I didn’t think much past that point, but here I am. I am done having children, and it is leaving an emptiness inside me that I’m not sure how to fill.

Mommy & Taya
January 14th, 2004:

Taya 1

And now:

Taya 3

I was 26 when I had my first, Taya. She was a surprise, but an INCREDIBLE one. My life might not have been quite ready for the addition of a child, but my heart sure was! I welcomed her with more love and joy than you could imagine, and she has given me so much love and joy in return. Because of the stage I was at in my life, I didn’t know if (or when) I would have another baby. It was a question mark for a number of years. When Taya was five I married my husband, Alex. Exactly nine and months and three days after our wedding, I delivered our son Callum. MORE JOY! And a different kind of experience, being married and established and being excited to share the news with family and friends, not nervous or scared as I’d been years before. Alex and I knew we wanted two kids, so again, the door remained open. Shortly after Cal turned one, I was expecting again! We found out we were having a girl, and Ella completed our family this past February. Finally, strangely, the door was then closed.

For the first time in almost a decade, I now knew that I would not be having another baby ever again.

Mommy & Callum
May 4th, 2010:

Cal 1

And now:

Cal 3

I cannot explain the bittersweet feelings that accompanied such a realization. There was relief; it’s amazing to know that every milestone we reach now is a FOREVER milestone! When Cal started sleeping through the night, it was wonderful… but we knew we’d be right back at that point soon enough with baby #3. When Ella sleeps through night, that’s it! We have our sleep back!! We can’t wait! There was also a sense of excitement; we look forward to road trips and vacations and movies and dinners out… ones where we don’t have to pack so much that our van is in danger of exploding, and we no longer have to worry about naps or formula or blankies or diapers. Our house will also start to look like a normal house again; the kids are slowly get old enough to play in the rec room on their own, and bit by bit the toys are all moving down there, and I’m getting my living room back! We have started to paint and rearrange furniture. Pretty soon there won’t be a playpen, an exersaucer, a high chair… we will have room, organization and kids that will be able to clean up after themselves!

But there is so much that I will miss. I am trying to soak in every. single. second with Ella. I’ve never feel too frustrated getting up with her in the night or calming her when she cries. I relish the sound of her little voice, the snuggles in the dark and purring kitten noises that she makes as she falls asleep in my arms. In fact, I don’t know how I am going to live without all those things. My husband always talks about how he can’t wait for them to grow up, but I know it’s going to hurt him too (no pun intended). I’ve been slowly starting to sell off our “baby” stuff on Kijiji. The change table is gone, and so is my old single stroller and the glider. Pretty soon I will be listing cribs, bedding, toys… and while I’m so happy to see it all go, at the same time it hurts so much I almost can’t stand it. It’s one thing to know I don’t want any more kids, but I guess it’s something totally different to take action and ensure that it can NEVER happen again. I’ve always had a dream to adopt, and Alex knows that if we ever came into the money that would allow it, I’d want that very much… but this body (and now his) is no longer open for business, and that’s a tough realization to let sink in.

Mommy & Ella
February 24th, 2012:

Ella 1

And now:

Ella 3

There is a line from one of my favourite movies, “Father of the Bride”, that Steve Martin says and it brings me to tears every time. I know my kids are still small, and I know I’m not losing them to this big bad world anytime soon, but the point is that the days fly past so quickly. You blink, and you’re here:

Who presents this woman? This woman? But she’s not a woman. She’s just a kid. And she’s leaving us. I realized at that moment that I was never going to come home again and see Annie at the top of the stairs. Never going to see her again at our breakfast table in her nightgown and socks. I suddenly realized what was happening. Annie was all grown up and was leaving us, and something inside began to hurt.”

As I sit here with my son at my feet and Ella on my lap, I am thinking about how much I have loved having babies in my life, and something inside is beginning to hurt.

Today is a turning point in my family, one that isn’t easy to acknowledge, but one that will bring us into a new phase of our lives. We are complete, and we are ready to move ahead into an exciting future together. New adventures, memories, traditions and celebrations await. So, as we close one door, many more open, and I will keep reminding myself of how lucky we have been to have all that we do. I am one blessed and grateful mama, and the next time someone throws a temper tantrum or poops in the tub, I will be grateful for this day too!

My whole world…
Christmas 2012:
santa

It’s a good time of year to be grateful for all that we have, isn’t it?
xoB

;

UPDATE:

He’s home! I had the couch cleared and the Golf channel on… LOL – for now, he’s happy:

photo

Comments

  1. Adrienne says

    Thank you SO much for this post…I swear our lives could be mirrors of each other! I too have three beauties DD#1 (at 26, she’s now almost 5), DS is 2.5, and DD#2 is 5 months. I too have struggled here and there with PPD, different manifestations with each. I was just thinking yesterday about the subject of V-Day, and how difficult it is for me to wrap my head around the completeness of our baby years. I find myself tearful at every change in my baby girl, amazed that she grew so quickly!! Though I know in my heart our family is complete, the permanency of that thought is scary. Best wishes to you and your family…and thank you for sharing yourself. It helps me see my own thoughts and emotions are normal!

    • says

      Thanks Adrienne, what a nice post.. It’s amazing to me how many women out there have a similar story, and it’s nice to know we aren’t alone.
      Writing has always helped me work through things, and if it can help someone else or they can relate in some way then even better!
      xoB

    • says

      Thanks Marie! It sort of snuck up on me.. With the post partum I kind of thought I would be relieved but then sadness crept in!!
      All’s well though.. I know it’s the right decision.
      : )

    • says

      Aw thanks, T! It has been a very emotional day and I hugged the kids a few extra times I admit.
      But three is definitely enough..
      ; )

  2. Kelli says

    Very impresses Alex! Love the blog, I feel the same way however my husband is a big baby so there is still the chance of an oops!

  3. Cathy Dickinson says

    I don’t think I have ever read anything so beautiful. I cried but in a loving way.

    Auntie

    Sent from my iPhone

    • says

      Thanks Auntie… a monumental day but a happy one too, we have a wonderful little family and lots to look forward to!
      xoxo

  4. mandy says

    I got shivers reading this! You did a great job at relaying your feelings! Love the Father of the Bride quote too (one of my fave movies) and the title being one of my fave songs ever… David Gray….. Love, love, love this post!!!!! xo

    • says

      Remind me to tell you the story of how I discovered David Gray back in 2001 – it’s the coolest!
      And why do we love all the same things? lol… We’ve always been connected, me and you.. So funny, never traveled in the same circles but always friends!
      : )

  5. Tara Lynn says

    hey, I have been following your posts and love them!! My husband and I have 3 kids as well but we do plan on trying for the fourth but i have all ready been dreading the big V day. Good Luck with everything and keep on blogging!!

    • says

      Thanks Tara Lynn! I’m so glad yo’ure here.
      : )
      Don’t make me question not having a fourth!! lol.. Good luck with that, you’re a strong woman! Part of me will always wonder, but I know we’re done.
      xoB

  6. Marjorie says

    This had me teary as well. We have a 5 year old and an 8 month old. When I hold my baby sometimes, I think “You are my last baby. I will never love another baby like this. Ever.” And then I think (“Until you guys have babies.”) And it breaks my heart. My husband says we’re done because we can’t afford the two we have :) but I know in my heart, even if we had 7 children, I’d still always want one more. I think it’s the finality of it all – the knowledge that it will never happen again that makes it so hard for Moms. Even if we have 1 or 5, our hearts are always ready for one more.

    • says

      Awww… a few people have pointed out the whole grandparent part, I never thought of it like that, now I’m excited for it!!!
      xoB

  7. intheboat says

    You mentioned in an early post how you write to help with your emotional health and to try to help others struggling with PPD. Well, I think you should know you are helping this mama. This post itself is going to have a huge impact for me. The timing couldn’t be more perfect either! My husband and I are expecting baby #2 at the end of December and have decided that 2 will be our max due to my mental health issues with PPD and GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder with panic attacks). My husband goes in for his initial consultation in 2wks for “V-day.” As you mentioned, we know it’s for the best for our family but it’s still difficult knowing this is it for the family. Thanks to your post I have something to hang on to when the going gets tough in the PPD months/years ahead. I will try to focus on all those amazing little things that we take for granted when we are sleep-deprived and feel like we might explode. Going to try to remind myself that this is the last time for any of this beautiful babyness…enjoy EVERY moment of it! This is a gift! Thanks again for being so open about your experiences-YOU ARE MAKING A POSITIVE DIFFERENCE IN OTHER PEOPLE’S LIVES! :)
    Somewhat unrelated: Has your husband or anyone you’ve known had PPD as well. (Discovered this when my husband was going through it along side me after our first was born) Since it isn’t well-known that both women and men can struggle with this disorder it would very interesting to hear of your experience with Fathers with PPD.
    Thanks again for the amazing work you do!

    • says

      You are my favourite person right now. You hold the honour of the only comment to ever bring me to tears!! LOL.
      THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH… you have reaffirmed why I decided to be so open and write such a candid blog, and I’m so glad that I did. Knowing that I have made a difference to even one person has made my entire week, I can’t thank you enough. I am so sorry that you’ve struggled with depression and GAD, but I hope you are doing well and are happy and healthy!
      As for my husband, I don’t think he went through anything like that personally.. and I wish I had experience with a man who has but I don’t. I’m going to research that, though.. I didn’t even know about it! I might post about it at some point if I learn enough.. that’s definitely worth shining some light on!
      If you would like, send me an email at hystericallyeverafter@hotmail.com and tell me everything you’re comfortable sharing! I’d love to know EVERYTHING that he went through.. and I would really like to do a post (annonymously of course) to share it with others. Awareness is always key.
      Thanks again!!
      xoB

  8. Jennifer says

    There will be babies again! Remember your beautiful children will be giving you grand children some day and you will feel a new type of amazing love, both for your child and your new grand baby. My mother-in-law likes being Grammy better then Mommy because she never has to say “no”. So think ahead because it will be different but a good kind of different.

    • says

      Thanks Jennifer.. I’ve had a few people remind me of that and I can’t wait! (Well, I CAN wait.. and THEY had better wait.. lol) but it will be glorious. Thanks for pointing out the silver lining!
      xoB

  9. Michele Hunt says

    Beautifully written. I feel the same bittersweet feelings. It’s like you and I are on the same page! I have 2 boys one almost 3 and 9.5 months- same b day as Ella :) now I know we are done having children which isn’t permanent yet, but soon to be and the thought hurts. I am sucking up each baby moment I have left although ,1 year b day is approaching way too fast :/ ugh it doesn’t make sense you want them to grow and strive then the other part of you wants your baby to stay a baby. Craziness! Thank you for your wonderful post :)

    • says

      Thanks Michele! I can’t believe you have a Feb 24 baby too! So neat… no kidding about being on the same page!
      I’m so grateful that you can relate and that you’re here, reading.. and it truly is bizarre how we want them to grow and progress but we hate it at the same time! lol…
      xoB

  10. says

    *tear…as I feel my lil one kick inside me literally as I read this post, makes me relish every single second. I’m 21 weeks with our first and I can’t see past the next 18 weeks so I wont even go there but love love love how honest and brave you are on here :)
    xx
    Leslie

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