First order of business: My kids are ganging up on me today, they are so mean.
The eight year old has decided that I am “like, SO unfair!” on pretty much every single things that comes out of my mouth. The two year old has forgotten what an “inside voice” is – EVERY sound that comes out of his mouth, be it happy, angry or sad only has one volume; full blast – and the eight month old is in the process of cutting her two top teeth. I know, right? So inconsiderate. Geez.
Last night was by FAR my worst night in nine years of parenting. El was up with those teeth (plus a cold and possible ear infection) constantly. By constantly, I mean CONSTANTLY. My last count was 17 times. I am a complete zombie today (I’m pretty sure I look like one too) and everything just aches from my lack of sleep.
Naturally naps are NOT lining up today, or really even happening for that matter. Every time one of the littles falls asleep, the other one wakes up. I am on the merry-go-round from hell. My husband came home from a meeting this morning and asked if I had picked up milk yet. Just.. WHAT? Honestly.. did you just ask me that? What the hell? I actually might have growled at him, I’m not sure.
My littlest bug is breaking my heart big time… watery eyes and pouty lips just pleading with mama to not put her down – at all. She’s been on my hip all day and even had a few snoozes on my shoulder. Of course there’s that part of me that LOVES how snuggly and needy she is, but after a night of zero sleep I don’t have a lot to give of myself. Thankfully today was a nursery school day for the dude so I got a few hours of one less kid.
I always find myself so conflicted. On days like today I day dream of pedicures and coffee shops and hotel beds, but when the rare opportunity does present itself to slip away, I rarely take it. I don’t know if I’m just really attached or a control freak or what, but I find leaving my kids extremely stressful. Yes, even if it’s just for a few hours. I guess that being a stay-at-home mom has really driven into me that my job is 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I almost feel like I don’t deserve a break. God that sounds so stupid when I read it back, but it’s true. My kids need me, my husband needs me, my house needs me… I’m letting them down when I leave; shirking my responsibilities and the guilt is just honestly not worth it. Of course there’s always the fact that as moms we come home to twice as much work anyway, lol, not much of a break! Husbands around the world stand in the door, hands on hips and smile on face… “See! I did it! No one is hurt, nothing is broken, the kids have been fed and everything is fine!”
Uhhh huh. But the sink is overflowing with dishes and the floor is covered in toys and the kids are FILTHY and the laundry hasn’t been switched over. I’d rather stay home than go out for a few hours of fun and return to a reality check like that one.
It’s remarkable how differently hard-wired men and women are. If I found a little extra cash in a pocket, I would immediately add it to my wallet for the next diaper or formula run, I wouldn’t even think twice. Yet when my husband found $40 a while back, his first thought was to buy an Xbox game. Where did I pick up this notion that I shouldn’t ever do anything for myself? It’s a vicious circle – the more I neglect myself, the more I throw myself into my home and my family, but then more I throw myself into my home and family, the more I neglect myself. I need to find a way to break away, just sometimes, for a little while. My ENTIRE EXISTENCE cannot be for other people, there has to be something left just for me. Starting this blog was one of the best things I’ve done in a very long time. It has given me such a sense of purpose, particularly when it comes to sharing my experience with Postpartum Depression and helping others through it as well. I know that I’ve made a difference to a few people, and that’s such a great feeling. On days like this when I’m so tired and frustrated it makes me smile to know my support group is right here and that I can stop in and touch base any time.
My doctor has asked me if I’d like to participate in a focus group on PPD. A number of women will be coming together to share their experiences and coping strategies. I’m excited to be a part of it and I hope I will come away with some insight that I can share here with you all as well.
Time for just ONE more cup of coffee… five more hours, I can make it.
PS – I finally took the plunge and bought the domain name for this blog. I’m still parked on WordPress, but from now on you can officially find me at www.hystericallyeverafter.com !! Super exciting stuff.