I get by with a little help from my friends.

First order of business:  My kids are ganging up on me today, they are so mean.

The eight year old has decided that I am “like, SO unfair!” on pretty much every single things that comes out of my mouth.  The two year old has forgotten what an “inside voice” is – EVERY sound that comes out of his mouth, be it happy, angry or sad only has one volume; full blast – and the eight month old is in the process of cutting her two top teeth.  I know, right?  So inconsiderate.  Geez.
😉

Last night was by FAR my worst night in nine years of parenting.  El was up with those teeth (plus a cold and possible ear infection) constantly.  By constantly, I mean CONSTANTLY.  My last count was 17 times.  I am a complete zombie today (I’m pretty sure I look like one too) and everything just aches from my lack of sleep.

Oh hi there!
Sure it’s 4am, but yes.. let’s look like the creepy baby from Paranormal Activity and scare the crap out of mom when she rolls over!

Naturally naps are NOT lining up today, or really even happening for that matter.  Every time one of the littles falls asleep, the other one wakes up.  I am on the merry-go-round from hell.  My husband came home from a meeting this morning and asked if I had picked up milk yet.  Just.. WHAT?  Honestly.. did you just ask me that?  What the hell?  I actually might have growled at him, I’m not sure.

My littlest bug is breaking my heart big time… watery eyes and pouty lips just pleading with mama to not put her down – at all.  She’s been on my hip all day and even had a few snoozes on my shoulder.  Of course there’s that part of me that LOVES how snuggly and needy she is, but after a night of zero sleep I don’t have a lot to give of myself.  Thankfully today was a nursery school day for the dude so I got a few hours of one less kid.

“Bye mama!  See you soon!  GO!”

I always find myself so conflicted.  On days like today I day dream of pedicures and coffee shops and hotel beds, but when the rare opportunity does present itself to slip away, I rarely take it.  I don’t know if I’m just really attached or a control freak or what, but I find leaving my kids extremely stressful.  Yes, even if it’s just for a few hours.  I guess that being a stay-at-home mom has really driven into me that my job is 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  I almost feel like I don’t deserve a break.  God that sounds so stupid when I read it back, but it’s true.  My kids need me, my husband needs me, my house needs me… I’m letting them down when I leave; shirking my responsibilities and the guilt is just honestly not worth it.  Of course there’s always the fact that as moms we come home to twice as much work anyway, lol, not much of a break!  Husbands around the world stand in the door, hands on hips and smile on face… “See!  I did it!  No one is hurt, nothing is broken, the kids have been fed and everything is fine!”

Uhhh huh.  But the sink is overflowing with dishes and the floor is covered in toys and the kids are FILTHY and the laundry hasn’t been switched over.  I’d rather stay home than go out for a few hours of fun and return to a reality check like that one.

It’s remarkable how differently hard-wired men and women are.  If I found a little extra cash in a pocket, I would immediately add it to my wallet for the next diaper or formula run, I wouldn’t even think twice.  Yet when my husband found $40 a while back, his first thought was to buy an Xbox game.  Where did I pick up this notion that I shouldn’t ever do anything for myself?  It’s a vicious circle – the more I neglect myself, the more I throw myself into my home and my family, but then more I throw myself into my home and family, the more I neglect myself.  I need to find a way to break away, just sometimes, for a little while.  My ENTIRE EXISTENCE cannot be for other people, there has to be something left just for me.  Starting this blog was one of the best things I’ve done in a very long time.  It has given me such a sense of purpose, particularly when it comes to sharing my experience with Postpartum Depression and helping others through it as well.  I know that I’ve made a difference to a few people, and that’s such a great feeling.  On days like this when I’m so tired and frustrated it makes me smile to know my support group is right here and that I can stop in and touch base any time.

My doctor has asked me if I’d like to participate in a focus group on PPD.  A number of women will be coming together to share their experiences and coping strategies.  I’m excited to be a part of it and I hope I will come away with some insight that I can share here with you all as well.

Time for just ONE more cup of coffee… five more hours, I can make it.
xo B

PS – I finally took the plunge and bought the domain name for this blog.  I’m still parked on WordPress, but from now on you can officially find me at www.hystericallyeverafter.com !!  Super exciting stuff.

Comments

  1. Caitie says

    As always I think you are amazing. You can publicly admit how hard it really is, do it anyway, all with your sense of humor intact.
    I’ve been having a rough go a bit lately and the hubby and I had a conversation eerily similar to this post after I had a mini breakdown the other night.
    Although I am rarely ever physically alone (seriously kids momma doesn’t need an entourage to pee) the whole stay at home mom thing can leave me feeling a bit isolated. You and your blog help me feel a little more connected :)

    • says

      Aw THANK YOU! I understand what the rough go can be like.. We all have our days – or weeks or months! – and what’s important is to be real and know you’re not alone. Breakdowns are commonplace and I am starting think that I should appreciate them because it means that I care and that I’m trying. xo

  2. mandy says

    WOW! I love reading your posts MB! I think you are one of the best mothers I have ever met!!!!
    AND… I LOVE how you are so ‘real’ about everything! AKA…. All the people on Facebook pretending that they have the perfect home, income, and family! Bla bla bla!
    I had to go back to work early (at 9 months) because I knew I couldn’t stay home any longer and for me, it was the best decision I have ever made. Now because we’re both working, it’s pretty much 50/50 in the house during evenings and weekends…. and pick ups and drop offs to daycare are also split between us. For a working mom like me, it’s SO MUCH EASIER with a hubby that assumes the household stuff, even if I do have to direct him in a nice way :)
    Being a stay at home mom is the HARDEST JOB IN THE WORLD! I hope your hubby knows that, I’m sure he does! I sometimes feel bad for going back early and taking ‘the easy way out’, but then I think….. Is my daughter better off at daycare with an AMAZING caregiver and other awesome kiddos? Or at home with me watching ‘The Real Housewives of New Jersey’? lol…. Just kidding, we didn’t do that every day, just on the days we didn’t have play dates :)
    xoxoxoxo

    • says

      Thanks Mandy!!!
      Trust me, I am not deserving of that title, I swear. I have LOST it many a time.. Yelled or cried or thrown a shoe.. I am not proud of some of my moments but I guess that’s the point – I need to keep it real.
      Good for you for realizing what was best for you guys, I have a lot of respect for that! xo

  3. Carmen says

    hilarious! I returned my mothers day gift from Birks took then took the money and signed the girls up for spring play programs! How pathetic is that!!! Glad I’m not alone in my SAHM madness! And it IS madness :-)

  4. says

    I’m also not very good at taking time for myself and yet I always feel much better when I do. I didn’t suffer from PPD but getting out of the house (with my girls and on my own) is really important for my sanity. I think blogging helps give me an outlet too. Just know you’re not alone, staying home is haRrRrRrRrRrRrRrRrRd.

    cherrypietwins.blogspot.com

    • says

      Thanks Samantha.. Can’t imagine having twins! Such a blessing but so hard I am sure. Just even having someone else say “I understand how hard your job is” take a load off my shoulders.
      I know I need to take some more time for myself, and doing that will get easier as the days pass and the kids are a little more self sufficient.
      B

  5. Kristin says

    I found you through another site, and added you to my reader, as I was catching up, I found this post and it describes me to a tee. I’m a SAHM of one, and I feel the same way you do about leaving and taking time for myself, my husband on the other hand has no problems. It doesn’t help that where we live, I don’t have any really close friends or family, so it’s just me and a 21 month old hanging out. I need some adult interaction soon.

    • says

      Aw Kristen I understand! I am lucky in the sense that we live in the city where I grew up, so I have my family and friends.. Doesn’t do me much good though when I don’t make the time to see them! LOL.
      I hope you can find some time for yourself soon..
      And thank you for reading!
      xoB

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