Big day in the life of B… yesterday was the first day that I really felt like I was doing better. Yay me! I’m pretty sure that it was mainly my medication starting to kick in, but whatever… it was a significant difference and I went to bed feeling happy.
My husband’s family wanted to host a BBQ to introduce baby E to everyone and this would normally be a huge stressor for me. They live an hour away – what about naps? What about bedtime? Everyone will want to hold her, she’s going to cry! Where will I nurse her? What if it’s too hot outside? I have so much anxiety over these things, and not only is it difficult for me but I know it’s hard on my husband when we rarely go to these events with his family and he just wishes that I could relax and enjoy myself.
It’s not to say that I don’t feel the same anxiety at my own family functions because I do. However it’s a lot easier to tell my own mom that we have to leave or tell my own aunt that she can’t hold the baby right now because she’s overtired and will cry her eyes out if I let go of her. That’s just the nature of families, I guess. My family also lives much closer, so when the kids are tired or cranky I know I can have them home and in their own beds within ten minutes.
Regardless, I know that I need to push outside of my comfort zone in these situations and I DO try, it’s just very difficult for me. I’m not sure if it’s the PPD or my own personality but it’s likely a combination of the two. I don’t ENJOY feeling the way I do, I WANT to sit back and enjoy the company of my in-laws and just let the day unfold as it may. Sometimes I have to remind myself that if the kids eat or sleep 20 minutes later than normal THEY WILL BE OKAY! If I eat lunch later than usual once in a while I don’t even notice it! I don’t know why I cling to their schedule so desperately; like I said in a previous post I am so hyper aware of the children and the fact that they cannot look out for themselves. I just can’t stand the thought of them being tired or hungry or unhappy and unable to tell me that.
So back to the BBQ… I actually went early with baby E on my own. My older daughter is with her dad for a few days and my two year old was napping so I left him with Daddy to join us later and off I went. It was liberating to go and hang out with my husband’s family on my own, I had a great time! We had a lovely afternoon and a delicious dinner. I didn’t look at the clock, and I just let the kids be. Cal ran all over the yard having a ball, and baby E was passed around and loved on by everyone and she was just fine. I forced myself to sit down, eat, and enjoy the day. We brought pjs for the kids and after pushing them to stay up a little later, baby E slept right through the night – go figure!
I hope that I continue to feel so well, it’s such a relief to not have the weight on my shoulders that I normally would have at event like yesterday’s.
I couldn’t only see my happiness out there floating around me, I could feel it!