Resentment – Marriage Killer!!

Yes I can be very dramatic.  BUT.. it’s true. A few years ago one of my cousins decided to hire a full time, live in nanny.  At first I was all judgy and “oh well aren’t YOU fancy” about it. Then my other cousin, her sister, hired one as well.

I wondered what the world was coming to.. live in nannies?!  Who are we, the Trumps?

Then one day, cousin #2 (who also happens to be my very best friend and was the Matron of Honour at my wedding) explained something to me.  You see, in any good (read: normal) marriage, there is a healthy dose of resentment.  He leaves his socks on the floor.  She leaves dishes in the sink.  The laundry doesn’t get switched over.  The dinner isn’t made on time.  As spouses I find my husband and I are constantly BITCHING at each other.

“I just did all the grocery shopping AND did three loads of laundry.. YOU take her to soccer!”

How healthy can that be??!

So cousin #2 patiently explained to me how having this nanny ELIMINATED ALL THE RESENTMENT.  How awesome is THAT?!?  I never thought of it that way before.  The socks are picked up, the laundry is done, the dishes are washed, dinner is made. Sounds pretty sweet to me.

Now of course not many people can afford the live in nanny.. and why would I have one when I am a stay at home mom?  lol.. But I learned a lot from that conversation.  Resentment is a killer.. a marriage killer.  A relationship killer.  It builds and spreads like a nasty fungus and if you’re not careful, you’re going to be in trouble.

I’m making a concerted effort to not hold onto those things anymore.  The socks, the dishes, the laundry.  It all gets done in the end and just about the worst thing you can do is start keeping score.  Marriage is a partnership, you’re in it together, and yet so often don’t you find that you’re pitted against one another?  That’s not going to do anyone any good, and in the end if your marriage fails don’t both of you end up with a big fat ZERO on that score card?

Peace & love, people. Go kiss your better half!

B

Comments

  1. says

    I like this, and not because I plan on leaving many socks around for my future wife! :)

    Although, for those who wont heed your advice to not “keep score”, you could combine the craft idea from the last post and make a resentment scoreboard out of paper and clothespins 😉 His/Her sides and the chores on pins. Loser gives a massage

  2. Katrien says

    Hello B,
    My husband and I are living together since 15 years. At the beginning, he left his dirty socks ALL OVER THE HOUSE. Even buying an extra laundry basket didn’t help; he kept throwing them around.

    But because this is not a nice example for our 4 children, (thanks God the baby is too young for it but the 3 children also started to leave dirty socks all over the place). So one day I absolutely stopped picking up the socks. In the end, I am a mother of four kids and loving wife, but I have a life too.

    It took about 6 days for him to realize this, because the following:

    1. He didn’t have any more clean socks to put (I made a new rule: what is not in the laundry basket not gonna be washed) (this rule was necessary as he was throwing the diry socks all over the bath room (including the empty bath tub!)

    2. and the house was stinking of socks!!!!!!

    Off course the fact that I broke my ankle been help a lot, I couldn’t walk the first week and couldn’t pick up nothing!

    After I’ve been suffering 6 days seeing like 35 pair of socks around the house, he got the message and decided to give a good example to the kids.

    I know he’s an extreme case because he has an AVC, but I know from girlfriends that many men leave them dirty socks around….

    Have a nice day

    Katrien

    • says

      Katrien, marriage is certainly not easy! Learning to live with someone else can take years! Sometimes I guess we have to accept each other’s flaws, but it’s nice to see that your husband caught on and started to pick up after himself – I hope he keeps it up!
      : )
      Thanks for writing..
      B

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